In my mind, I've already imagined...

Boys. Men. Whatever.

2010-01-05T06:42:43Z

So I guess the key to dealing with ~~boys~~ men is to sit back and let them come to you? After all my recent fretting about The Cop I had half-convinced myself that I was going to call him on my lunch break today, but he beat me to it. He called around three. He called the store around three. He called my work just to talk to me, and he didn't seem angry or anything that I hadn't called him yet. He gave me a hard time about it, but in a joking way. ("I was totally going to call you on my lunch break today!" "Uh-huh. Suuuure, Mandy.") We chatted for maybe ten minutes before he had to go do Cop Stuff, and in that space of time I found out that he spent Christmas at his sister's house, has recently changed shifts and has to get up at the crack of dawn, and goes to the gym regularly. And he found out that I work backstage in theatre, that I was the narrator of my church's Christmas musical, and that I spent New Year's Eve playing Monopoly and Catch Phrase at a friend's house. He's actually very nice and easy to talk to. I guess it's mainly my old fear of picking up the phone and calling him myself that's holding me back? I thought I'd gotten over that, what with all the phone calls I make at work, but I guess not. Not with ~~boys~~ men, anyway. But it was a nice conversation while it lasted. I told him I was glad he'd called and he said he was too and that it was "nice to hear [my] voice again." !!!

I'm still not jumping on the bandwagon or anything, but I'm a little more open to it now than I was, say, yesterday. Which is an improvement, because up through yesterday I had myself in such a panic about the whole situation that I was prepared to ignore it and hope it went away. I suppose having coffee with him wouldn't be so bad, if we can ever catch each other on the phone long enough to make any sort of plans. (I called him back when I got home from work this evening but only left a message.)

Hmmm...

Real Life makes me uncomfortable

2010-01-04T00:13:06Z

So, remember the cop who I was freaking out about before Christmas? I'm still freaking out, and I still haven't called him. I mean, I called him back the one time and then I didn't get a chance to the next day and I've been putting it off and putting it off ever since. I really don't know why, but the idea of calling him up and going out simply terrifies me. Every part of me screams "DO NOT WANT!" at the thought of it. Why? I have no idea. He seemed like a very nice guy. I've been wishing for years for a nice guy to be interested in me. Oh, why couldn't 2010 have brought with it something resembling common sense for me? I could really use it. Instead, I'm nearly 22 years old and wishing for one of the main things I've wished for for years to just go away.

A very, very large part of me wants to just let it go. Not think of it any more. Not call him, not worry about it. But then I remember that I don't want to be rude to him because he never did anything wrong, and also that there's a possibility he could be a great guy that I'll totally be happy with. And then I start thinking, "Well, if it's meant to happen then it'll happen," but then I follow that up with, "Well, I can't just sit around waiting for opportunities to show up at my front door," and by that point I'm so thoroughly confused that I just want to curl up and not think about it at all anymore. Argh.

My dad says men aren't like women when it comes to getting a call from the opposite sex. He says that if I don't call this guy back, he'll probably just assume I wasn't that interested in the first place and move on, because "men are used to disappointment". I guess that's comforting? I don't want to hurt or offend this guy, I'm just afraid.

Even thinking about it long enough to type up this entry has my stomach in knots. What the crap is wrong with me? Changing the subject now...

The other day my boss decided to "touch base" with me. Started asking me if I was happy working there and all that. She said it was just something she was doing with both of her employees because it had been around six months since we'd all been working together, but I have my doubts (not least of all because it's only been four months). It's hard for me not to notice that this came up shortly after my schedule became difficult. Things were crazy up through Christmas, what with my church and theatre schedule on top of my regular work hours, and there have been half a dozen times recently that she's called and asked me to come in early and I haven't been able (or, admittedly, willing) to. She denied it, but I'm beginning to get the feeling that she's pissed off by the fact that I don't come in whenever she feels like calling me in. I'm not her beck-and-call-girl. I have a life outside of work. Why don't the managers of this company ever realize that? Even after the firing of my pyscho former manager, my friends and I are still dealing with this crap. Kaitlyn's manager gets annoyed with her school schedule (which she knew about when she hired her) and Danielle's manager is nearing Chicken Butt levels of absurdity with her schedule changes. I have the best of the three, but even mine seems to be taking advantage of late. What she doesn't seem to realize is that I schedule my day around my work schedule. If I'm supposed to be at work at 5:30, I'm going to plan stuff up until I need to leave around 4:30. So if you call me at 3:00, chances are I'll be busy and won't be able to get there until I was scheduled to. And yet, my boss seems to find this strange. In her own words, "When I was a part-timer, if my boss ever called me in early I would drop everything and run to get the extra hours." She said this in a way that suggested it was bizarre and/or frustrating I don't do that myself.

L'anyhoodle, the bottom line is that I've doubled my job search efforts. I'm going to reapply at the SHN theatres in the city because (A) it couldn't hurt, (B) my schedule's opened up again so they may be more willing to call me now, and (C) I've got a new theatre-related job credit to put on my resume since the last time I submitted one. I've also been keeping a close eye on Craigslist. I haven't found much, but a few popped up in my last search that aren't bad. One in particular could be enjoyable, as it's a receptionist/office assistant job for a dance studio. The commute would be long and the hours might be short and the position is temporary (four months), but it's better pay than what I'm getting now and I would be infinitely happier in that environment. It can't hurt to apply, at the very least.

I'm going to be 22 a week from today. Oy.

New Year's Day

2010-01-02T04:07:22Z

This time last year I had no job, no money, and was seeing The Phantom of the Opera. Tonight, I have a job and money and I just closed up shop at a sewing gallery. I'm not convinced this is progress.

How do you measure a year in the life?

2010-01-01T00:28:36Z

Well, it's the last day of 2009. I remember making a similar post on the last day of 2008 (I think it even had the same title, because I'm just that creative) and it really doesn't seem all that long ago.

Was 2009 a good year? I'm not sure. On one hand, I got a job, made some money, made some friends, did some stuff I'd never done before, and saw The Phantom of the Opera seven times. On the other, I hated my job, was emo and melodramatic most of the time, and I still feel like I'm sitting in the exact same spot in my life that I was a year ago. My POTO count, friend count, and bank account have all gone up, but where I have I gone? What have I done?

In 2010, I hope I can actually do something. I don't necessarily mean that I want to go to school or travel abroad or anything huge, but I would like to feel a bit more accomplished on December 31st of 2010 than I've felt on December 31st of 2008 and 2009. As it is, the experiences from 2009 that I look back on with the most joy are, unsurprisingly, my Phantom experiences. I hope I can look back on more, new Phantom experiences this time next year, but also some other things too.

I usually do the obligatory end-of-year memes, but I'm not in the mood to answer essay questions right now. I don't know exactly who I am or what I want, so my answers would be stupid and ramble-y anyway. Instead, let's take a look at my resolutions last year and see how I did:

- trust in God more
I tried, but I mostly failed.

- stop being so overreative/melodramatic/emo
FAIL.

- see The Phantom of the Opera a million times
I didn't make it to a million, but seven isn't bad.

- comment more on my friends' journals
Yeah, not so much.

- get my Meg site up-to-date
I kept this one, mostly. I got it all nice and shiny, but I've neglected it for the past several months.

- get married and/or engaged
Or not.

- stop being such a basketcase
EPIC FAIL.

- get a job/money
I kept this one and am only somewhat happy about it. I guess that's life.

- meet some new people outside the internet
I kept this one and am almost entirely happy about it.

- eat better or be healthier or something, idk
Riiiiight.

- not stalk POTO actors too much
It's just not in my nature to keep this one.

- be more thankful for the things I have, especially my friends
I sort of kept this one, sometimes. When it occurred to me to keep it.

- develop a crush on a man who is not gay/married/engaged/fictional/dead
FAIL.

And now, resolutions for 2010:
- find a job that makes me happy
- get more involved in theatre, even if it's difficult on my budget
- clean and redecorate my room
- get rid of clothing I no longer wear and only buy clothing I genuinely like from now on
- be a better blogger
- make some more graphics or find another outlet for creativity
- be less of a basketcase, since I now realize I will never be entirely without basketcaseness
- don't analyze things too much
- figure some things out
- be braver
- be smarter
- be nicer
- remember that God is in control
- see The Phantom of the Opera a million times - hey, some goals should never change ^_-

See you in 2010, everyone.

Slow down you crazy child

2009-12-30T07:25:35Z

I could spend this post complaining about the same old things, but I won't. Instead, I bring you two questions, your responses to which may possibly be of the utmost importance to my future happiness.

Or they may not, but answer them anyway.

#1: There's a giant box in the corner of my room. Years (and I really do mean years) ago I put all the crap I wanted to keep but wasn't sure what to do with it into this box for safekeeping while I cleaned the rest of my room. That way all that stuff wouldn't get in my way, see? But the thing is, this giant box has been sitting in the corner of my room as a makeshift table for at least five years now and I don't even remember what's in it. I'd like to take care of it, but I'm not sure which would be the better way to do so: open it and go through all the junk, or just throw the whole thing out. On one hand, if I don't even remember what's in it then I haven't needed anything that's in it for years and so will probably never miss it. On the other hand, I could open it up and discover a ton of stuff I've kind of vaguely wondered about for years. ("Oh, here are the play handcuffs I bought on that field trip to Alcatraz in fifth grade!") Penny for your thoughts, peanut gallery?

#2: My birthday's coming up and I think I'm going to ask for a pair of Phantom mask earrings. Very me, cute, useful, and a good price. Should I ask for the silver ones (to match all of my other jewelry) or the white ones (which, obviously, are the correct color)?

Remember, the wellbeing of my tender psyche may depend on your answers. *nod nod*

Mystery Solved!

2009-12-29T06:49:40Z

Jessi Ehrlich and Jessica Bishop are the same person. Why didn't I think of that?

(She plays Meg on the POTO tour, btw. She just got married. Congratulations Jessi! Or, er, Jessica!)

I'm just relieved to not be confused anymore. And to not have to keep looking for a headshot and bio of this mysterious Jessica Bishop for my Meg website. Because, believe me, I've been looking. A lot.

Also,

Tonna Miller and Stephen Trafton, friends of the bride, sang "Make Our Garden Grow," a Leonard Bernstein song from the musical "Candide."

Oh, hello.

Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to jail!

2009-12-25T17:00:32Z

Merry Christmas, you wonderful old ~~Building and Loan~~ LiveJournal flist!

And now for the annual flaunting of the haul:

- various small candies and old-fashioned toys (in my stocking)
- Holiday Funfetti cake mix (half-joke present; I love Funfetti)
- boots (unfortunately they don't fit, but they can be exchanged)
- three pairs of pajama pants (Mickey, Eeyore, plaid)
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince on DVD/Blu-Ray (actually a family present from Santa)
- Raphael's Phantom Pin-Ups 2010 calendar (buy one!)
- pocket MP3 recorder (*cough*)
- DVD recorder (so I can finally get the Tony Awards, for example, off of my DVR)

Christmas Eve

2009-12-25T07:40:41Z

The Birth of Jesus

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

- Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV)

I feel like there's a RENT lyric that belongs here

2009-12-24T08:38:51Z

I didn't get a chance to call The Cop back today - well, ok, maybe I had a little chance, but not that much since I was called into work earlier than expected and I'm not supposed to use my cell phone on the floor - but he called again while I was at work and left a voicemail. Argh. He's nice and attentive and it's scaring the crap out of me. I am such a dingbat. Anyway, I opted not to call him back tonight because of my aforementioned dingbat-ness, but I'll call him tomorrow before or between Christmas Eve shows at church. That way I can be nice and return his call and maybe chat with him a bit and get to know him, but I'll also have a totally legit excuse to get off the phone if I start feeling nervous.

So yeah, I've got three performances tomorrow. Did I ever mention that I had one this past weekend? Well, I did and it went swimmingly. I felt a little low-energy, but the church was packed and we got a great big standing O, and everybody I knew who was in attendance said it was great and told me how wonderful I was on my narration. I haven't even gone over the lines in my head since then, but I tend to do better work that way. And it's hard to forget lines that are as cheesy as "And so we enter a time of year when, just like the gingerbread houses we put so much care into decorating, things can so easily crumble." I suppose the fact that I'm able to deliver these lines without laughing is a success.

By the by, thanks so much for all the encouragement and understanding in the comments to my last couple of posts. It was such a relief to see how many of you can relate to what I'm feeling! I really thought I was just being absurd and you'd all roll your eyes at me - as I'm fully expecting at least a couple of friends to do tomorrow when I explain to them how nervous I am with the whole situation, since I've been complaining for ages that no one ever likes me - and I was very pleasantly surprised.

In an unrelated note, you can be assured that you are a very special sort of geek when you point at the rolling credits for Enchanted and shout, "Oh my God, Betina Hershey was one of the dancers! She played Meg in Phantom! Isn't that neat?" and your parents stare at you in total silence.

What is with me lately?

2009-12-23T06:51:53Z

Argh, argh, argh.

After fretting about this whole new sort of boy problem to my mom and Danielle, I finally worked up the nerve to call the fellow back. Thankfully he didn't answer, and leaving a quick message was much easier than having to talk to him. He hadn't called back by like 9:30 so I figured he wasn't going to and left my cell phone up in my room, but I just looked and I guess he called me back a few minutes after I went downstairs.

He's being totally nice and normal, but I am spazzing out. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to interract with this person. I know how to interact with married men and gay men and actor men at stagedoors and a few select men who don't fit into those categories like James or Romil or Andy, but I don't know how to talk to this person. I don't know him at all and I'm expected to chat on the phone or go out for coffee or something and the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. It's nothing he's doing, except for being interested in me in the first place, it's just the whole situation is bizarre and I don't like it at all. I want to be in love and get married, but I'd really like to just skip this part.

This seemed a lot easier from a distance. >_>

Maybe it's just that I'm too immature for a relationship right now? Maybe I'm just not ready for this.

The Panic Stage (is this normal?)

2009-12-23T00:23:38Z

The cop called earlier and left a voicemail saying that he was "just saying hi". (!!!)

Oh, I don't know if I can handle this. I've just realized I've spent so much time mooning after guys who didn't want me that I don't have a clue how to respond to one who is interested in me. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to call him back. What am I supposed to say? I don't know what to say!

I don't understand myself. I've spent years waiting and wishing for someone to like me, but I guess I didn't want someone to like me as much as I wanted someone to like me. Like, someone specific. I've always decided I liked someone and wanted them to like me back, but it's never happened. I've never really experienced someone liking me first. Or at all, in fact. A couple of weirdos in high school, but that's it and that hardly counts. I don't know what to do. I don't know how it goes.

What's going to happen when I call him back? Is he going to try to set up a time for us to meet up? I don't know when that could be. I have work tomorrow and three shows on Christmas Eve and then the next day's Christmas and then I'll probably have to work the day after and then I have a family gathering to go to sometime that weekend too, and then I don't even know what my work schedule will be like after that. What a stupid time of year to try to meet someone for coffee.

Ugh, ugh, UGH. I hate myself for being so stupid, but I can't help it sometimes.

HALP!

OMG.

2009-12-22T05:25:46Z

So, a cop came into my store today. He was a customer, I mean. He came in to ask about embroidery machines because the officers have to have their names and whatnot embroidered on their uniforms and they're being charged an arm and a leg for it now, so they'd like to have a machine and do it themselves. He told me point blank he was very uncomfortable in the store because he's not a crafty kind of person, and he was basically elected to go find out about this stuff. I showed him some of our machines and there was one in particular that seemed like a good idea to him, but I wasn't sure off the top of my head how large or small the lettering could be made, so I offered to get back to him later when I had that information. He called just a short time later to see if I'd found out anything, and I told him I hadn't had a chance because I had other customers. Then I called a couple of other stores and got some more information, and called him back and left a message telling him what I'd found out.

Shortly after that he called back to thank me for my message and ask me out.

No, seriously.

Kind of out of nowhere, he goes, "Also, I don't know if you're attached to anyone right now, but I was thinking maybe we could meet up for coffee or something sometime?"

And I, being the eloquent little genius I am, said, "Uh, maybe."

He kind of paused and said, "Maybe?"

Oy.

Anyway, I gave him my cell number. He said that even though he was uncomfortable being in the store, I made it more bearable. And he did seem really friendly. I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm pretty sure he's several years my senior. Like, maybe 30 or more? I'm really not sure. I don't mind the age difference, but I'm afraid he thinks I'm older than I am and he'll freak out when he finds out I'm only 21. That could make for a terribly awkward conversation.

I've decided that if/when I meet him for coffee it will not be a date. I'm very big on firsts, and I don't want my first date to be with someone I'm not even sure if I'm interested in yet. I'll meet him for coffee and if I like him then maybe we'll go on a date, otherwise I'll only have had coffee with a guy and that happens all the time and my record will remain untarnished.

His name's Mike, by the way.

The Velveteen Rabbit

2009-12-19T08:34:15Z

I didn't edit these at all, to the benefit of some and the harm of others. And I kept the flash off because I liked the lighting without it.

R.I.P.

2009-12-17T11:08:56Z

Roy Edward Disney
January 10, 1930 – December 16, 2009

Happiness

2009-12-16T09:57:00Z

Since I'm so tired of feeling unhappy, here are ten movie scenes that always make me happy. Not necessarily my favorite ten, or even representing my favorite movies, and certainly not in any kind of order. Just ten movie scenes that I always enjoy.

"Moses Supposes" - Singin' in the Rain (1952)

The Battle of Wits - The Princess Bride (1987)

"Step in Time" - Mary Poppins (1964)

Baby Fish Mouth - When Harry Met Sally... (1989)

"Once Upon a Dream" - Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Neclear Wessels - Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

The Bottle Dance - Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

An Affair to Remember vs. The Dirty Dozen - Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

Who is your daddy, and what does he do? - Kindergarten Cop (1990)

The Flying Scene - E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

sigh

2009-12-16T08:52:10Z

I haven't a clue what's wrong with me lately. I've been a basketcase my whole life, but I'm really taking it to a whole new level these days. In the past week I've burst into tears three or four times over the most ludicrous things. This afternoon I found out that the girl who usually cuts my hair is booked solid up through Christmas and so I'll either have to go without a haircut for the Christmas musical or find someone else, and I went into hysterics in the parking lot when I got to my car. (I also kicked the side of the car when neither my button nor my key could prompt the door to unlock, only to discover moments later that I was actually kicking someone else's car, an identical make parked only two cars down from my space. This realization only upset me more, of course.) My reactions to things recently have been completely over the top and out of my control. Last night I got home from work and burst into tears for no particular reason other than that I was unhappy about various things.

I'm not always unhappy. I mean, nice things happen to me. Very nice things. Just two nights ago I saw Lisa Vroman at the San Francisco Symphony, and it was just lovely. I'm working in a theatre, I'm comfortable in my role as narrator of the church Christmas musical, I actually have friends I can do things with sometimes. But all it takes is a little negative something to flip a switch in me and I totally lose it. Everything I'm unhappy about, particularly how lonely I am and how unhappy I am in my dead-end job, suddenly builds up and tumbles out all at once. It doesn't help matters that most of the people who bear witness to such an outburst don't understand. I can tell that even some of my close friends just think that I'm complaining to get attention or pity, but I'm not. I suppose there's some aspect of how I'm feeling that's reaching out for support, but that's not a thought process I go through while I'm having a random emotional meltdown. I'm just unhappy, and lately I can't seem to control the ways in which I express it.

And I seriously don't know why, because I'm not PMSing or anything. >_>

:(

2009-12-13T07:32:08Z

Have you ever been in one of those moods where everything seems negative even if it's positive? Like, for some reason you can find a problem with everything, even good stuff? I'm in one of those moods right now and I have no idea why, but it's really weighing me down.

I just bought a ticket to see Lisa Vroman at the Symphony again tomorrow night. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it because I have a Velveteen Rabbit performance tomorrow afternoon, but I decided I can make it if I rush. But now I'm worried that I'll be late, or that I'll have problems at Will Call. And I went looking for a new dress to wear today and couldn't find anything, and I realized I need to reschedule a hair appointment and I need to call the choir director to tell her I won't be there tomorrow, and I may watch Raphael and his family go backstage while I don't get to go backstage and Lisa's going to be back in the area next month for something even better, and all of this is combining to make me feel like somehow this is all terribly wrong and I don't know why I'm so stressed about it all. I feel like I want to cry but there's no apparent reason, and I'm not even PMSing.

I think this must just be the general stress of the season getting to me? I've never been busy around Christmastime before, and this year I'm dealing with a regular job and a theatre job and a Christmas musical and money and friends and theatre stuff on the side to worry about, and I guess I'm just having trouble keeping afloat emotionally. And I'm lonely and tired of the way my life is.

I've never been one of those people who sits around at the end of the year and feels like a failure because of what they have or have not accomplished, but I think I may be that person this year. Despite the fact that I've had a job and made new friends and had new experiences and seen The Phantom of the Opera seven times since January 1st, I feel like I haven't really done anything. How has any of this helped further my life? When am I actually going to do something that gets me somewhere?

Wow, I'm suddenly feeling so miserable. I had no idea I was miserable about all of this until I started typing, and now it's all suddenly falling out all over the place. I think I need ice cream.

And then the robots come.

2009-12-10T22:14:21Z

Two more successful performances of The Velveteen Rabbit this morning. I got to the theatre early again and paced around in 40-something-degree weather (with added wind chill, since the delta is literally right behind the building) until someone else finally showed up and unlocked the stagedoor. Both shows went smoothly and the headset banter was highly amusing, and now I'm trying to decide if I should go back to sleep before choir practice tonight. The intelligent thing to do would be to stay up and go over my lines, since I'll probably actually be reciting them tonight, but how well can I expect to recite them if I'm falling asleep onstage? I got less than two hours of sleep last night and I lugged around sets all morning...zzz...

My boss and coworker are trying to get me to come into work tonight. I've discovered three missed calls and two voicemails on my cell, the first one from 8 AM. Apparently my boss is sick, and with only three employees to cover the entire store, if one is sick then the other two have to work. Well, I can't do that tonight. I'm not sure which part of "I'm the narrator for my church's Christmas musical and our first show is just over a week away so I have to be at all of the rehearsals from now on" was unclear, but obviously the message got lost somewhere in there. I'm not calling back. I simply can't work, and I know if I respond to the call even with the intention of telling them just that, they'll try to talk me into it and make me feel guilty. Not happening today, folks.

Ugh, I'm sick of my job. I hope this theatre internship continues and blossoms so I can just quit.

I'm tiiiiiiireeeeeeed. Maybe I should just sleep for a few hours and then get up and run lines? Yes, that seems like a sensible plan. I think. In theory, anyway.

NOTE TO SELF: SEND INTERVIEW QUESTIONS TO BRIANNE!

So many things to shout "Finally!" about

2009-12-10T06:10:42Z

Glee was awesome tonight.

That is all.

I've always heard that December is a difficult month

2009-12-07T11:10:32Z

I've just realized that this was my last day off before Christmas, unless I choose to blow off church in a couple of weeks. Between work, church rehearsals, and theatre rehearsals, I'm going to be a busy bee for pretty much the rest of the year. I hate that I've become that person who screws up her coworkers' schedules, but what am I supposed to do when I have mandatory rehearsals to go to? I've always tried to be as accomodating as possible, but I need to do things for myself sometimes too, right? I mean, I was committed to being the narrator for the Christmas musical before I was rehired to my job, and I plan to make a career in theatre if possible so that's obviously important to me. It's not like I'm asking for time off to wash my hair or something.

L'anyhoodle, this is my schedule for the next few weeks, because I'm sure you're interested:

Monday, December 7th
- 12pm-8pm: work

Tuesday, December 8th
- 7pm-9pm: rehearsal for The Voice of Christmas

Wednesday, December 9th
- 5:30pm-8pm: work

Thursday, December 10th
- 8am-12pm: performance of The Velveteen Rabbit
- 7pm-9pm: rehearsal for The Voice of Christmas

Friday, December 11th
- 12pm-???: Taya's 30th birthday lunch
- 6pm-10pm: performance of The Velveteen Rabbit

Saturday, December 12th
- 5pm-6pm: Brianne Kelly Morgan on All Things Phantom*

Sunday, December 13th
- 9am-12pm: church
- 12:30pm-4:30pm: performance of The Velveteen Rabbit
- 7pm-9pm: Holiday Pipes concert at the San Francisco Symphony**

Monday, December 14th
- 12pm-8pm: work

Tuesday, December 15th
- 7pm-9pm: rehearsal for The Voice of Christmas

Wednesday, December 16th
- 5:30pm-8pm: work

Thursday, December 17th
- 8am-12pm: performance of The Velveteen Rabbit
- 7pm-9pm: rehearsal for The Voice of Christmas

Friday, December 18th
- 6pm-8pm: work

Saturday, December 19th
- 7pm-8:30pm: performance of The Voice of Christmas

Sunday, December 20th
- 7:30am-12pm: church

Monday, December 21st
- 12pm-8pm: work

Tuesday, December 22nd
- 7pm-9pm: rehearsal for The Voice of Christmas

Wednesday, December 23rd
- 5:30pm-8pm: work

Thursday, December 24th
- 2pm-3:30pm: performance of The Voice of Christmas
- 4pm-5:30pm: performance of The Voice of Christmas
- 6pm-7:30pm: performance of The Voice of Christmas

Friday, December 25th
- day off

* This counts as a serious activity because I'm going to be a very active participant
** This is still only a possibility because I don't know if I'll even have time

By the way, I went ice skating for the first time in years yesterday and managed not to break anything or destroy any property. The whole affair was arranged by Taya, largely for the purpose of introducing me to her coworker Joseph, but the fellow never showed. Behold, I am stood up by men who aren't even aware of my existance! Woe.

[random theatre jabber]

2009-12-04T09:02:28Z

Life at the theatre has improved since my first day, mostly because I've improved. I went in the second day far less nervous than I was on the first, and that made all the difference in the world. We actually had our first performance this morning; I was mistaken when I said before that we were performing the show at nearby schools, it's actually the other way around. The schools come to us as a field trip. Much better. We had something like 400 third graders today, and they were remarkably well-behaved and attentive. There aren't a lot of comedic moments in the show so it was hard to tell whether they were paying attention or just sleeping, but the few times something amusing happened there was an outburst of the sort of uproarious laughter that only happens when there are 400 elementary schoolers in one room. And at the end of the show when Rabbit says "Goodbye children!" about half of the audience shouted goodbye back.

Did you know that there are vacume cleaners that you can wear like a backpack? And that an entire theatre is a lot of space to vacume? Those are two things I learned last night.

During stike today I found a Phantom mask randomly sitting in the overflow dressing room where we store set pieces until the next performance. Earlier I'd been telling the other stagehand, Nick, that I didn't know anything about anything. Down in the overflow room, I told him, "I take it back; there is one thing in the world I do happen to know a great deal about," while I brandished the mask at him.

There's grafiti in the staff rec room from the 1940s. Isn't that neat? I think that's pretty groovy.

Have I raved about how neat the area around the theatre is yet? I don't think I have. That part of city in general is not one of the greatest as far as personal safety goes (particularly for a young woman alone at night), but the immediate surrounding neighborhood is adorable. It's the oldest part of the city and they've tried to keep it looking that way, and succeeded. It looks like a postcard, with old-fashioned storefronts like you see on Disneyland's Main Street USA. There's a barber shop next door to the theatre and a tea shop across the street. It's right down on the waterfront, with only a bit of grassy area and a train trestle between the theatre and the delta. In the morning it's foggy and cold but I can stand by the guard rail and watch crazy people fishing on the docks or try to make out the bridges that are obscured by the mist, and at night all trees are lit up with white Christmas lights and it looks like a postcard, particularly this time of year with Bing Crosby or Burl Ives on the radio.

[/random theatre jabber]

>_>

2009-12-02T09:35:51Z

I know I could hardly be more petty, but this really, really pisses me off.

First day on the job

2009-12-02T07:17:41Z

Well, I had my first rehearsal with my new theatre internship today, and I think it went well. I mean, the rehearsal itself went really well, but I was a little sloppy personally. I'm always nervous on the first day of anything, and moreso when it's something that I actually really want. I should have been more assertive than I was instead of following around the other crew member and waiting to be told what to do, and I made a few stupid mistakes like handing Johnny spike tape when he asked for gaff tape. Only little things like that, and nobody seemed to mind them at all or look down on me for it, but I felt like an idiot. I may as well have just announced that I carried a watermelon. I hope they don't think I'm an idiot, and that they chalk my mistakes up to nerves and not total inexperience. They obviously know that I have some experience since several of them saw me work on the last show I did there, but I don't think I have as much as they're probably assuming I do. I've worked backstage plenty, but that's basically been moving sets and helping with quickchanges and presets, not doing anything technical. I get the feeling they've all done a lot of technical.

Anyway, in spite of my anxiety, I think it's going to go well. Now that I know how everything's gonna go down, I can relax a bit and be better tomorrow. And the show is going extremely well. It's children's theatre so it's not exactly high-brow - The Velveteen Rabbit, all but two cast members between the ages of 7 and 14 - but the set was well-designed for easy maintenence, the kids all know their lines and cues and don't goof off too much backstage, and the whole gig generally feels more professional than anything I've ever done before. I'm stationary stage right for almost the entire show; the only things that need moving are two flats and a small bunch of picnic props, and other than that I'm basically crowd control with the kids in the wings unless I'm told otherwise. My role will probably get bigger come Thursday when we have our first performance at a nearby elementary school, since we'll have to set up there and all. Did I mention that we're "touring"? We have three performances at schools in the area and two in-house, so I get a bit of varied experience. I suppose that's why they're calling this an internship rather than a job or gig.

Shockingly, rehearsal went very well and ended an hour early. I don't think I've ever been at a rehearsal that ended early at all, much less an entire hour early. I had an hour between that and rehearsal for my church choir musical, so I popped over to Panda Express for dinner and walked in to discover Taya sitting at a corner table, which was a nice surprise. Then we went over to the church together and the rehearsal for the Christmas musical went nicely too. They've finally started on the set and I have my own little kiosk to stand at and everything, and I think it's going to be very cute. Because I'm the narrator and will be seperated from the rest of the choir throughout the show, I don't have to wear the same boring black clothes they do. Even better, I actually get to put together my own outfit. I think the skies just opened up and a Heavenly choir started singing. Usually we get stuck in some uniform get-up like black slacks and white blouse (awful, pit-stain-inducing) with an old lady poinsettia scarf or something. But this year I get to wear something cute, huzzah! Afterward, Taya and I joked with the choir director about things I should or should not wear during the show, and the director told me that her only real worry is that I'll put on a Phantom mask halfway through.

Welcome Christmas

2009-12-01T09:41:52Z

Seeing as it's December now, can I just take a moment to say how much I love a time of the year that allows me to hear Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, and Alvin and the Chipmunks on regular middle-of-the-road radio stations? You'd think I'd be sick of it by now because my store's overheard radio has been playing carols intermittently since November 1st, but I never seem to get sick of this music. I groove to Burl Ives singing "Holly Jolly Christmas" the same way every time. And tonight I listened to it all the way home from work and walked in the door just in time to see the Grinch's small heart grow three sizes that day.

Favorite Christmas songs, everyone? My usual top three are "Carol of the Bells," "O Holy Night," and "The First Noel". The latter I have a special place in my heart for because my middle name is Noel and when I was really little I think I had some vague idea that the song was about me.

(Would you roll your eyes if I said that listening to Christmas music on the radio reminds me of The Phantom of the Opera because that's what I did on the way to the show almost every time I went last winter? I think it would be understandable if you rolled your eyes...)

Theatre internship details

2009-11-30T03:03:20Z

Oh, I'm so, so happy I get to do this theatre internship! I went to meet with the tech director and main light technician today so they could give me a complete tour of the theatre and go over conduct and attire and all that. When they said complete tour, they meant it! I saw just about every corner of this gorgeous, huge, 1920s theatre, including up in the attic where you have to climb up an old ladder and walk on two-by-fours because the main "floor" is flimsy enough that you could fall right through into the auditorium if you step in the wrong spot, and down into the basement with all it's compartments for storage and technical hook-ups and whatnot. Even though I know there's a lot more to theatres than what the general public ever sees or imagines, I was amazed by just how much more there was.

Johnny and Jeremy are really cool and friendly to me, which I appreciate on several levels. A professional one, of course, but also a personal one, since I'm both less experienced in theatre and more conservative in lifestyle than them, but they aren't the slightest bit condescending. They said they were "very impressed" with me when I did that vocal showcase there back in October and they really appreciated that I'd put all my effort into the show even though I wasn't being paid. And then they hit me with the big one: "So, it'll be 150 for the run, if that's agreeable." My eyes pretty much bugged out of my head. I thought this was just going to be good experience and a new credit for my resume. I had no idea I was being paid! Sweet! And they talked to me almost like I was becomming a part of the staff, so I'm sure I'll be getting more work there in the future.

So yeah, I'm happy. ^_^